What I Learned From Dating Sites and Apps
If you're a fan of wine tasting and sunburns, you'll have a date in no time.
Opinion page by Duane Alan Hahn.
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Page last updated on: 2023y_01m_11d_0507t [Page created on 2022y_01m_16d_0159t.]
So far I've tried OKCupid, Match.com, eHarmony, OurTime, Tinder, Hinge, Plenty of Fish, Bumble, and a few others. Although some are phone-only apps, I'll just call them ‘dating sites’ or ‘sites’ from now on. Most dating sites seem to be full of bots and scammers. The real women on these sites have standards so high that they may never find a match. I've seen some of the same real women on various dating sites and they are all subscribers, so they're spending hundreds of dollars to find the perfect guy among the bots and scammers.
It seems like most women between the ages of 30 and 60 on these sites pretty much want the same thing: a quality man. In case you didn't know, a quality man is tall (taller than her when she wears high heels), professional, confident, physically fit with an athletic body, clean shaven and waxed (everywhere), college educated, well traveled, rich or has a good career, and is NOT a Trump supporter. He must have a full head of well-groomed hair and nice straight teeth with no gaps. A quality man must be vaccinated, drama free, a good kisser, active, adventurous, fun, funny, make her laugh constantly, enjoy deep/meaningful/intelligent conversations, love the outdoors, and have a burning desire to travel the world. In other words, he must have the body of a famous muscular actor, the worldly charisma of James Bond, the sense of humor of a famous comic, and have the I.Q. of Leonardo Da Vinci or Albert Einstein. Of course, it doesn't matter what the women look like themselves. They can weigh 600 pounds and have a big bushy mustache or have wrinkles on top of their wrinkles wrapped in wrinkles inside of more wrinkles or have bat spit crazy Biden voter eyes, but you must be perfect.
No matter how fit or out of shape the women are, below is a list of what a lot of them claim to love:
fancy restaurants
wine tasting
concerts
dancing
live local music
hiking
mountain climbing
whitewater rafting
boating
camping
fishing
skiing
sky diving
world travel
baking to a crisp on a beach
One thing that at least 98 percent of the women on these sites seem to agree on is alcohol. They must guzzle alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Their favorite is usually wine, but there are many beer lovers too. Hard liquor is rarely mentioned. I almost forgot. Just about every woman LOVES coffee. When they're not guzzling alcohol, they're guzzling coffee. Lots and lots of coffee.
A good number of women on these sites seem to believe that they alone have a special brand of sarcasm that most people just don't understand. In other words, they're a joy to be around (oops, there goes my special brand of sarcasm). If they understood just how unoriginal and tiresome their special brand of sarcasm is, they'd probably drop it and try to be more loving and less caustic.
Some women have in their profiles that they work hard and play hard. Their photos usually show that their skin is also hard from baking in the sun or smoking (or both).
It appears that most women on dating sites have at least one pet, but most of them seem to have two or more. Did I say pet? I should have said furbaby. They have furbabies. The excerpt below is from an article called Your Dog is Not a Baby:
Look, I'm going to say this straight out: your dog is not a baby. Your dog. Is not. A baby. It's not. It's not even close. Yes, you love your dog. You love your dog a lot. You love your dog more than you've ever loved any human. That's fine. You say you love your dog as much as I love my kids. That's asinine.
And you can bet money that pretty much all of these women are noseblind to the stench of their furbabies.
By now I must have seen thousands of photos of women on dating sites. Below are my opinions on what I've seen.
Not all women who look like models on dating sites are bots or scammers. There are some real women who take care of themselves. It appears that the women who look the youngest and healthiest exercise regularly, don't smoke anything, avoid alcohol, protect their skin from the sun, avoid tanning salons, eat plenty of fresh uncooked fruits and vegetables (that still have the life force in them), and take various supplements. It's like they discovered the fountain of youth. Unless you are a quality man, you probably won't be dating any of them.
Next are the normal-looking women who may be a few pounds overweight. Many of them are cute, but that usually means they have at least two children in the home. If you want nothing to do with children, your only hope is to find a cutie who doesn't want children or can't have children, but you'd have better luck walking into the woods and stumbling upon a glitter-farting unicorn.
A good number of women on these dating sites look like a cross between Popeye the Sailor Man and the Crypt Keeper. It's clear that they smoked something most of their lives and didn't bother to protect their skin from the sun or were addicted to tanning salons. It's shocking when they look like that and they're only in their 30s or 40s. People shouldn't even look like that in their 60s.
Some women smoke cigarettes when they're young and don't see an immediate change in their looks, so they think they're somehow special and immune to the aging effects. They might get away with it for many years, but the ugly stick will eventually hit them hard. That ugly stick usually brings that horrible smoker's voice we've all heard. Nobody is supposed to sound like E.T. getting his head shoved down a garbage disposal.
The next category are women who range in looks from Fred Flintstone to Peter Griffin to Boss Hogg. A lot of them take a selfie from below which makes an unfortunate face look even worse. On top of that, many of these women look angry in their photos (as if somebody is forcing them to take the worst selfie ever made).
Some look more manly than others, but they all look like they could use a few beauty and lifestyle tips from those free ‘how to’ YouTube videos.
Many women in this category seem to think everyone wants to have sex with them, so they have messages right up front about not being on the site for hookups.
The last category are women who are so out of shape that they barely look human. They seem to look more like manatees or walruses.
They don't seem to care about their health or future, so it's odd that they're spending money on dating sites.
Tip: If a woman describes herself as curvy, it usually means she looks like a giant potato. If she uses "big and beautiful" to describe herself, it usually means she looks like a humongous sack of giant potatoes.
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